The unfortunate by product of caring

“Jimmy can do whatever he wants.  We’re not one of those parents who pushes their children.” So spoke a mother from a top public school in Shoreline, Connecticut about her 17 year old son who was meeting with me for college counseling.  Jimmy’s mediocre grades, test scores, and activities actually meant that he couldn’t do what he wanted for college.  Jimmy was not happy.  “I should have worked harder,” he said.

I then started noticing a troubling trend among many of our students.  They didn’t always do their homework.  As a kid, I couldn’t even imagine not doing my homework or whatever I was supposed to do.  Other students didn’t always study for tests.  Most faced no consequences for poor grades.

As I reflected, I started realizing that parents of my generation dreaded the thought of being the overbearing parent.  A host of movies and TV caricatures of pushy parents made parents shift too far.  I call it the Dead Poet’s Society Syndrome.  If you know the movie, you know the consequences that an overbearing father had on a central character.

I lead with kindness.  I am keenly aware of the epidemic of anxiety.

I am also equally aware of the epidemic of underachievement.  I see the consequences when working with young adults for career counseling. See Career Counseling Connecticut.

Parents who did not set standards often have student-children who have a hard time when they transition to young adulthood.  The children realize that their lackadaisical efforts were the reason why they could not control their college future.

Articles about Tiger Moms make many parents highly sensitive to thoughts that they could be put into the category of pushy parents.

But, contrary to popular belief, with a clientele from a highly educated part of Connecticut, I meet far more nice than pushy parents.  My sentiments towards treating children in a healthy manner make me naturally aligned with parents who nurture their children.

But, my work in running an educational consultancy in the last 20 years leads me to modify that sentiment.

Parents need to balance kindness by setting standards.